Who I am Journal Entry #1

     The last few years have been hard. I have struggled so much with my depression and anxiety. I've been tested and pressed repeatedly. I can feel my Heavenly Father refining me, working in me, and preparing me for something big. I pray that He continues to lead me and show me the way. I've always wanted this space to be a place where I can be real and express my self honestly. I've really never felt like I could do that anywhere, but that was my hope when I began writing my blog. Unfortunately, I don't feel like that is what I have done here. I've tried but honestly I think I've fallen short, just like in everything else I've ever attempted. I've always struggled with feeling confident, this blog is no exception. I've prayed and prayed for God to lead me in what is right here. I still want to encourage others, especially those with chronic illness, like myself. I'm afraid that originally my posts tried to hide some of the struggle I was going through at the time. I was trying to "fake it til I make it." That isn't what God has called me to do. My job is to be honest and use my story to lead others to Him.

    I will be trying to post more often, I want to share my life with others so they know you can make mistakes, you can struggle, and you can still be enough, just as you are. God can and will still use you. I'll be using this space to share stories from my life as God calls me to, I'll be be sharing my thoughts and feelings, and whatever else I am called to share. I hope I will find the support that I need, and in turn give support to others. I am praying over the blog and all the people it may reach. 

    For anyone that doesn't know much about me, I was diagnosed around 3 years old with Hypermobile Ehler Danlos Syndrome. I wasn't the only one in my family diagnosed during this time, we learned my siblings and mother also had this condition. It caused quite a bit of dislocations and weird conditions that meant a lot of my time was spent in hospitals, Dr appointments, and physical therapy growing up. I wasn't able to participate in extra curricular activities due to injury. Growing up with this condition I felt very isolated and alone. Sure my family had the same condition, but it felt as if we were the only ones in our state. I spent many years as I grew up trying to hide my condition, trying to deny it, and asking God why he would make me so different. I blamed Him for awhile. I experimented with drugs and alcohol at a fairly young age, I made terrible decisions, and am honestly surprised I made it through some of the situations I found myself in. As a matter of fact, the very fact I did survive tells me God has a higher purpose for me, even if my flesh doubts it. 

    I've spent the last 10-15 years trying to strengthen my relationship with God and learn who I am in the body of Christ. All of my life God has shown me that He is there, no matter how hard I tried to avoid Him at the time. Maybe I'll share some of those stories eventually. 

    I knew from an early age working with children was my passion. My condition has made that dream kind of difficult, but it hasn't stopped me completely. I am currently working for a 2 day a week preschool program. Surprisingly enough as their gym teacher. Several years ago I thought I had found my place in a daycare, until I began having severe lower back and hip issues. What actually caused me to quit wasn't the pain so much as the fact we lost a student. I knew I needed to be there for my other students but my grief and depression was so loud I felt I wasn't being the leader the other kids needed. I've felt like something was missing since then, I hoped this blog would give me the satisfaction and purpose I craved after that, it really didn't. As a matter of fact the lack of support I received from family and friends only disappointed me even more. It gave the enemy a hold on me, I'd write a post and feel so good about it to have no one read, comment, or share. Even those closest to me couldn't be bothered to read or share.  I'm still working on accepting myself so that other's opinions don't matter as much. It's definitely something I've always struggled with. 

    I hope if you've made it this far in my rambling you will consider subscribing to my blog. I'm excited to begin writing again. I'd love to share more about my journey with God, myself, my family, our travels around the country, and homeschooling my 2 youngest children the last 2 years.