Journal Entry #5

    Things were a little harder today than the past couple of days have been. I'm not feeling great about myself or the attitude I've had for much of the day. I've lost my temper more than once. l have aloud frustration and my emotions to control me today more times than I'd like to admit. I really have tried my hardest to keep myself in check. I knew this shift I am trying to make in my life wasn't going to be immediate or easy, I expected a day like today would come. I know change isn't easy, it's going to take time and hard work. 

    While it has been a struggle today, I have also been more aware of my mood and emotions than I normally would be. When I have experienced this awareness in the past it has filled my brain with so much negative self talk that my depression, mood, and emotions would only get even worse. I would be lying if I tried to say all the negative self talk and everything that comes along with that self-pity party just didn't happen. It most definitely did, but the awarenesses I experienced today helped me also see this pattern happening so I could address it as well. Instead of dwelling on my moments of weakness throughout the day when I caught the negativity flowing in I acknowledged it. Then reminded myself that I am human, I am flawed, I will make mistakes. That's not all I am though, I'm also loved, I'm a forgiven child of God! We all are!

    All we have to do is repent and He washes us clean again. I reminded myself of this fact again and again today. As well as asking forgiveness, praying for help in turning from my sins, and trying to execute the steps to turn from it each time. Repentance isn't just saying you're sorry and continuing to sin, you have to put the work in behind it. You can't beat yourself up over your slip ups on this journey either. You have to expect and he prepared to offer yourself the same grace and compassion Our Heavenly Father gives to us. That may be especially hard if you aren't feeling that grace from anyone else in your life. Which is actually a pretty typical feeling from those of us suffering with depression, whether the feeling is true or just more lies the depression tries to make us believe.