Depression Journal Entry #2

    I have struggled so much with sadness and depression the last year. It has really effected every aspect of my life. I feel like I screw everything up and fail at everything I try to do. I unintentionally start arguments with my husband, I lose my patience with my children, I get frustrated and lash out. The guilt I feel after these actions is so overwhelming, I can't get my mind of what a bad wife, mother, person in general I am. I have worked so hard to keep these thoughts at bay, to heal my mental health. Most of the time I feel like I do have it under control, but it's been pretty far out of control for at least a year now. At first I told myself it was just sadness caused by a semi truck driver deciding to make my family the target of his road rage.

    I told myself that I would get over it, anyone in our situation would struggle with depression. We went from building a business that was finally beginning to take off, to having absolutely no income, no vehicle, nothing but our family. We almost lost our home, and we're on the verge of losing it again, for the second time in less than a year. When life circumstances take a turn like ours has, it's natural to feel sadness and depression. It shouldn't overtake your life the way it has mine. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I've slacked on my Bible studies, my conversations with God, and can't seem to do anything but sit around watching TV or sleeping. 

    My depression seems to directly affect my anxiety too. We've started attending a new church since we got back from traveling. I really enjoy this church, the preachers sermons are generally exactly what I needed to hear, there are some really great people doing really great things there. My anxiety tells me I don't fit in, that these great people are thinking how weird I am, or think I'm a druggie because every time I have a conversation my heart rate jumps up and I end up rambling and losing track of my thoughts. They don't know about my health problems, most of them don't know about the accident we were in, or anything at all about me and my family. I know these aren't things I should worry about but it's a lot easier said than done. I feel judged by my own family and every single person I speak to. It's enough to make me want to just stay home forever, never speaking to another person again. 

    All of this self doubt, depression, anxiety, whatever is going on is effecting my relationship with my husband, my children, and the couple of friends I thought I had. My brain has convinced me that I'm not good enough, that my family and everyone probably would be better off without me. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be confident in myself and my abilities, I'm just not sure how to do that right now. I hope I figure it out soon.

    On top of the life altering accident we were involved in I also lost my mom in January. That has been hard. Her health began to deteriorate around the time of our accident. I was so wrapped up in my depression from the accident I don't feel like I was there for her like I should have been. A lot of that feeling was caused by not having a vehicle or income after the accident. Part of me feels like I lost her well before she died, the dementia took so much from her. She was so lost and confused so much of the time, especially at the end. I have so many regrets that have been eating away at me. 

    I've come to realize I need help, counciling, medication, idk what, but I'm done living like this. I'm barely a shell of the person I was a few years ago. I want to mend my relationships and stop feeling this way about myself. I will figure this out once again, I will seek help as needed and get back to the real me.