My Story (So Far)
I'll start by telling a little of my child hood. When I was very young, too young to remember, my brother was diagnosed with hyper mobile Ehlers Danlos after having surgery for an injury in gym class. Shortly after that, I believe, was my first shoulder dislocation. I have had wide spread pain in my joints and muscles for as long as i can remember. I was constantly terrified I was going to die for several years of elementary because I had terribly sharp pains in the middle of my chest. After running every test they could think of i was diagnosed with costochondritis, inflamation in the joints of my chest!
My mom was a great advocate for me. No one else seemed to understand, even family members living with this same condition. I've been accused of making up my pain, faking, over exaggerating, etc. There were times mom would doubt me too because it was so much and all the time. Although she and my siblings were all diagnosed my pain seemed to be worse. Eventually i would try to convince my self it was all in my head and everyone hurts like this.
In elementary school i loved God and church. I really think part of me thought God would heal me if I was good enough. We had a church we went to pretty regularly, I loved it there, i have a lot of good memories, a couple of bad memories, but thats another story for another day. Probably the best memory was a dream I had when i had fallen asleep in "grown up" church. In my dream I woke up in the sanctuary but it was empty. I could hear the preacher but he sounded so far away. Panic and confusion set into my young self. Just as i started to cry i hear a loud but soothing voice say "don't worry," and suddenly the face of Jesus appeared where the big white cross hung behind the pulpit. Again he said "don't worry, i am always with you". Immediately I was at peace. Then i woke up to a sanctuary full of people. I knew that was God.
I continued loving God and trying to be the best WWJD kid around. I always remembered that dream. Then came Jr High school, my bff and God loving friend moved a state away! I was miserable. I ended up making friends with the skater/freak (term used by classmates in the 90s lol, would be goth or emo now) kids. Puberty brought more pain from EDS, confusion, depression, and some anger at God. Seriously why did he send his son to give the message, he's a miracle worker, and I needed a miracle!
I started to drift. My new friends and I began studying Wicca, holding seances and things. I still believed in God but I was exploring the idea of lesser gods i guess. After a seance we attempted i started hearing a voice telling me to hurt myself, jump off high things, jump out of a moving vehicle, just different ways to hurt myself.. i realized almost a year later that was the enemy, the devil himself. His voice was so loud telling me how worthless i was, nobody really cared, those that did care would be better off without my burden, etc. Oh the lies he will put in your head! When i finally realized what was happening i turned back to God, not fully because I was still a teen.
I began drinking occasionally, smoking weed, then occasionally taking other peoples prescriptions, mostly adhd meds. Eventually I was onto meth. My drug story is a story in itself but was some what short lived, more on it in another post. The gist for now is I've been clean from meth for 15 years now and couldn't imagine using again.
I would like to go back to God sending Jesus to speak to me. That was the first time i remember God's voice being audible for me. Even in the deepest darkest holes my depression has put me in I would eventually hear that calm soothing voice telling me my thoughts weren't true and eventually i would see a little light.
In 2016 and 17 i worked for a daycare and i really loved my job. It was a faith based facility. I loved those kids and i loved sharing God's word with them everyday. One reason I left was because i had developed worsening back pain and ovarian cyst pain. Probably the biggest impact on my decision to leave is a couple of months before I resigned, a child that had been in my class for a year and a half (I started in his class then ended up moving up with him) passed away. We had a very special bond he was an incredible soul. He died in the daycare I was one of the last people to see him alive. They brought him to me when he woke up crying. I saw his behavior and said call the hospital, I was told they had called the parents and they were coming to get him. He had an undiagnosed birth defect from what i know and it mimicked or gave him an aneurism, I'm not positive. I really declined after that. I was a little angry with God but i also understand after losing my neice and father that He always has a plan and you have to trust it. Between the pain and depression from missing him i felt God tell me to move on.
After quitting i finally started seeing drs and found out I have kypho-scoliosis (upper back hump, lower back c-curve), degenerative discs, and arthritis at 35. I did almost a year of physical therapy and my body just declined. It loosened my muscles and caused more dislocations. I never was able to build core strength. I will eventually figure out how to build strength. I still do the strengthening exercises.
Last year we did Year of The Bible with our church. I wasnt as diligent as i should have been but, the kids and i did read most of the bible. I realized I really wasnt doing my part. I decided to make more bible time, pray way more often, and serve like Jesus taught. I still have off days but I try to do better every day, i try to think how I, as God's daughter, should handle a sitiation. I'm not saying I'm perfect I'm definitely not. I am a proud, mistaking making, messy, daughter of God and he loves me!
I really hope my story has reached you and helped you with your struggles. I would like to add that I did start anti depressants because sometimes they are needed. I didn't ask about them until i had still been struggling with depression after my mind shift.
My mom was a great advocate for me. No one else seemed to understand, even family members living with this same condition. I've been accused of making up my pain, faking, over exaggerating, etc. There were times mom would doubt me too because it was so much and all the time. Although she and my siblings were all diagnosed my pain seemed to be worse. Eventually i would try to convince my self it was all in my head and everyone hurts like this.
In elementary school i loved God and church. I really think part of me thought God would heal me if I was good enough. We had a church we went to pretty regularly, I loved it there, i have a lot of good memories, a couple of bad memories, but thats another story for another day. Probably the best memory was a dream I had when i had fallen asleep in "grown up" church. In my dream I woke up in the sanctuary but it was empty. I could hear the preacher but he sounded so far away. Panic and confusion set into my young self. Just as i started to cry i hear a loud but soothing voice say "don't worry," and suddenly the face of Jesus appeared where the big white cross hung behind the pulpit. Again he said "don't worry, i am always with you". Immediately I was at peace. Then i woke up to a sanctuary full of people. I knew that was God.
I continued loving God and trying to be the best WWJD kid around. I always remembered that dream. Then came Jr High school, my bff and God loving friend moved a state away! I was miserable. I ended up making friends with the skater/freak (term used by classmates in the 90s lol, would be goth or emo now) kids. Puberty brought more pain from EDS, confusion, depression, and some anger at God. Seriously why did he send his son to give the message, he's a miracle worker, and I needed a miracle!
I started to drift. My new friends and I began studying Wicca, holding seances and things. I still believed in God but I was exploring the idea of lesser gods i guess. After a seance we attempted i started hearing a voice telling me to hurt myself, jump off high things, jump out of a moving vehicle, just different ways to hurt myself.. i realized almost a year later that was the enemy, the devil himself. His voice was so loud telling me how worthless i was, nobody really cared, those that did care would be better off without my burden, etc. Oh the lies he will put in your head! When i finally realized what was happening i turned back to God, not fully because I was still a teen.
I began drinking occasionally, smoking weed, then occasionally taking other peoples prescriptions, mostly adhd meds. Eventually I was onto meth. My drug story is a story in itself but was some what short lived, more on it in another post. The gist for now is I've been clean from meth for 15 years now and couldn't imagine using again.
I would like to go back to God sending Jesus to speak to me. That was the first time i remember God's voice being audible for me. Even in the deepest darkest holes my depression has put me in I would eventually hear that calm soothing voice telling me my thoughts weren't true and eventually i would see a little light.
In 2016 and 17 i worked for a daycare and i really loved my job. It was a faith based facility. I loved those kids and i loved sharing God's word with them everyday. One reason I left was because i had developed worsening back pain and ovarian cyst pain. Probably the biggest impact on my decision to leave is a couple of months before I resigned, a child that had been in my class for a year and a half (I started in his class then ended up moving up with him) passed away. We had a very special bond he was an incredible soul. He died in the daycare I was one of the last people to see him alive. They brought him to me when he woke up crying. I saw his behavior and said call the hospital, I was told they had called the parents and they were coming to get him. He had an undiagnosed birth defect from what i know and it mimicked or gave him an aneurism, I'm not positive. I really declined after that. I was a little angry with God but i also understand after losing my neice and father that He always has a plan and you have to trust it. Between the pain and depression from missing him i felt God tell me to move on.
After quitting i finally started seeing drs and found out I have kypho-scoliosis (upper back hump, lower back c-curve), degenerative discs, and arthritis at 35. I did almost a year of physical therapy and my body just declined. It loosened my muscles and caused more dislocations. I never was able to build core strength. I will eventually figure out how to build strength. I still do the strengthening exercises.
Last year we did Year of The Bible with our church. I wasnt as diligent as i should have been but, the kids and i did read most of the bible. I realized I really wasnt doing my part. I decided to make more bible time, pray way more often, and serve like Jesus taught. I still have off days but I try to do better every day, i try to think how I, as God's daughter, should handle a sitiation. I'm not saying I'm perfect I'm definitely not. I am a proud, mistaking making, messy, daughter of God and he loves me!
I really hope my story has reached you and helped you with your struggles. I would like to add that I did start anti depressants because sometimes they are needed. I didn't ask about them until i had still been struggling with depression after my mind shift.
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