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Grace For The Messy Moments

Grace For The Messy Moments Recently, while out to eat with my husband, he said something to me that probably would have crushed my spirit a few years ago. Let me set the scene: We’re sitting at a table with an elderly neighbor socializing while we enjoyed our meals. Hubs reaches across my plate to stop my sleeve from landing in the gravy on my potatoes. This was only a few moments after he handed me a napkin to wipe food from my face (in my defense I was very hungry lol). As his quick reflexes save my cardigan sleeve from being drenched with gravy, he giggles and says “You’re worse than a kid.” His sentence was light, playful, and completely innocent.  We had a little laugh about my messiness and enjoyed the rest of our meal. In the past my reaction may have been to laugh his comment off in the moment. But internally, I would have obsessed over it for days, or even weeks, berating myself for “not being enough.” For “not being able to do anything correctly.” In my mind his words me...
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Journal Entry #5

    Things were a little harder today than the past couple of days have been. I'm not feeling great about myself or the attitude I've had for much of the day. I've lost my temper more than once. l have aloud frustration and my emotions to control me today more times than I'd like to admit. I really have tried my hardest to keep myself in check. I knew this shift I am trying to make in my life wasn't going to be immediate or easy, I expected a day like today would come. I know change isn't easy, it's going to take time and hard work.      While it has been a struggle today, I have also been more aware of my mood and emotions than I normally would be. When I have experienced this awareness in the past it has filled my brain with so much negative self talk that my depression, mood, and emotions would only get even worse. I would be lying if I tried to say all the negative self talk and everything that comes along with that self-pity party just didn't happen...
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Journal Entry #4

    I started yesterday and today off by focusing on bible studies for depression and praying. I began using the Finch mental health app again, checking things off my to-do list and using some of their other features to access and help manage my depression symptoms. I also made sure to get out of the house with the kids, we went to pick up their new glasses and spent some time at the park. There were a lot of kids at the with this week being Spring Break for the public schools in the area. We ended up running into a child and his mother from my work, I didn't realize how much I really needed that interaction.      Today we loaded the 2 puppies up and took them to the pharmacy. They love going for rides especially when we stop somewhere with a drive thru because they have learned those places usually have treats for them. They even got to go into the dollar store and pick their own bag of treats on the way home, another favorite puppy activity. It wasn't much but...
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Journal Entry #3 Overcoming Depression

     I'd like to start out by saying thank you to the couple of people who have taken the time to read my lastest posts. I really appreciate you. I have decided to continue to use this space as a public journal while I deal with my depression. Hopefully it will end up helping someone else.      I've come to realize I have let myself fall deep into the pits of depression over the past year. I'll be sharing what I'm doing to work towards overcoming this struggle once again. Due to my past struggles with depression and anxiety I try to notice when I'm beginning to feel the pull of these conditions starting to take hold of me. This time I've let those feelings go unchecked for too long, it's become overwhelming.     Depression is hard and may look different in everyone, it's not just being sad, it's overwhelming sadness. For me, it's been higher anxiety levels. It's been not having the energy to shower, or clean, or even stay on top of my kids ho...
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Depression Journal Entry #2

    I have struggled so much with sadness and depression the last year. It has really effected every aspect of my life. I feel like I screw everything up and fail at everything I try to do. I unintentionally start arguments with my husband, I lose my patience with my children, I get frustrated and lash out. The guilt I feel after these actions is so overwhelming, I can't get my mind of what a bad wife, mother, person in general I am. I have worked so hard to keep these thoughts at bay, to heal my mental health. Most of the time I feel like I do have it under control, but it's been pretty far out of control for at least a year now. At first I told myself it was just sadness caused by a semi truck driver deciding to make my family the target of his road rage.     I told myself that I would get over it, anyone in our situation would struggle with depression. We went from building a business that was finally beginning to take off, to having absolutely no income, no vehic...
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Who I am Journal Entry #1

     The last few years have been hard. I have struggled so much with my depression and anxiety. I've been tested and pressed repeatedly. I can feel my Heavenly Father refining me, working in me, and preparing me for something big. I pray that He continues to lead me and show me the way. I've always wanted this space to be a place where I can be real and express my self honestly. I've really never felt like I could do that anywhere, but that was my hope when I began writing my blog. Unfortunately, I don't feel like that is what I have done here. I've tried but honestly I think I've fallen short, just like in everything else I've ever attempted. I've always struggled with feeling confident, this blog is no exception. I've prayed and prayed for God to lead me in what is right here. I still want to encourage others, especially those with chronic illness, like myself. I'm afraid that originally my posts tried to hide some of the struggle I was going ...
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Just an Update

I haven't posted in a while, I really just haven't had the time to sit down and write. I've had lots of ideas, just no time to put into it. I decided I would try to sit down and give a little update on what has been happening in my life recently. If you follow me on Facebook you may have seen that I joined a Physical Therapy Study for hEDS being done at UCA. Unfortunately, I have only been able to participate in one exercise class so far. It was HARD work, but I really enjoyed it and look forward to being able to continue going once I have a reliable vehicle again. In the meantime, I have been trying to get more exercise on my own, by using some of the exercises I learned in that class and by walking. I don't know if anyone else can relate but it is so hard for me to get motivated to exercise by myself. Being able to participate in this study with others that have had similar issues and struggles is amazing! I hope I will have more to tell you about this study in a futu...
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