Grace For The Messy Moments

Grace For The Messy Moments

Recently, while out to eat with my husband, he said something to me that probably would have crushed my spirit a few years ago.

Let me set the scene:

We’re sitting at a table with an elderly neighbor socializing while we enjoyed our meals. Hubs reaches across my plate to stop my sleeve from landing in the gravy on my potatoes. This was only a few moments after he handed me a napkin to wipe food from my face (in my defense I was very hungry lol). As his quick reflexes save my cardigan sleeve from being drenched with gravy, he giggles and says “You’re worse than a kid.” His sentence was light, playful, and completely innocent. 

We had a little laugh about my messiness and enjoyed the rest of our meal.

In the past my reaction may have been to laugh his comment off in the moment. But internally, I would have obsessed over it for days, or even weeks, berating myself for “not being enough.” For “not being able to do anything correctly.” In my mind his words meant he’s tired of me. He deserves “more,” my kids deserve “more.” I was convinced I was a burden on everyone in my life.

I realized a long time ago this line of thinking needed to change. Somehow this had been ingrained into my mind for as long as I could remember. I remember taking personality tests in school. They were color coded and meant to highlight your strengths and lead you to find a career suited for you. To me it felt more like an aptitude test that I failed each time. I always tested into a creative personality type. I strived to become the opposite, I thought if I could change me I could become the well organized, motivated person I thought I needed to be.

Over the last few years of mindfully learning to love myself through God/s eyes I am finally beginning to actually love myself. I am no longer ashamed of not being perfect, of not fitting in. I finally realized that I am made for a reason and the people in my life that love me are here because they love me. The real me, not a version of myself I think I should be. 

God created me for this life. He created me to be my husband's wife and my children’s mother. There is no one but me that could fill my chaotic, messy shoes. He has carefully designed each of us to be who we are and placed us where we are meant to be. Nothing can change that.